Of Chickens and Buffoonery
by Juliabohemian
Summary: Post-Ragnarok, Pre-Infinity War. Are we there yet? It really is a shame there isn't more ale...


_I just want to point out that I don't approve of using Valkyrie as a name. It is a title. However, the MCU saw fit to use it as a name. So I will be doing the same._

_This is a response to the ridiculously OOC snake story that we were treated to in Ragnarok. _

* * *

**Of Chickens and Buffoonery**

"Is that the last of the ale?" Valkyrie asks, gesturing at the empty bottles on the table.

"For now," Thor reports. He reaches for the glass in front of him and draws it a bit closer. "It could take a few more days to get to Earth. You might want to pace yourself."

"Since when have I ever paced myself?"

She looks at Loki. Before she can say anything more, he clutches his glass as well.

"Don't even think about it. This is all I've had since I came on board."

"I don't believe you," she states, flatly.

"Do you really think I'd allow myself to become intoxicated in the presence of you fools?" He nods his head in Bruce's direction. "Especially that one. Who knows where I might wake up...or in what condition."

"Good point," she responds. She turns her gaze to Bruce. "What about you?"

He wraps his hands around his mug.

"Are you kidding? This is tea. Or something tea-like, at least."

She rolls her eyes and leaves the room in a huff.

"Anyway," Thor says to Bruce, "What was I saying before?"

"Um...something about a friend of your mom's?"

"That's right," Thor recalls. "One day, some friend of our mother's brought this awful brat to the palace to play with us..."

"First of all," Loki interjects, "it wasn't just _some_ friend. That woman was our mother's eldest sister."

Thor regards his brother, dumbly.

"_Was_ she?"

"She was our aunt and that brat of hers was our cousin."

"Huh."

"How do you _not_ know that? She looked just like you. Same round cheeks and golden curls. She was basically you, in a frock."

Thor shrugs at the description.

"Either way, the girl was a nightmare."

"Indeed," Loki agrees. "It only took her two hours to break all of our toys."

"Oh, yes. After which we had absolutely nothing to do. So, we spent the rest of the day outdoors, digging a giant hole."

Loki nods.

"That was a magnificent hole, though."

"It _was_ magnificent."

"Very wide and very deep," Loki adds. "Truly some of our greatest work."

"I used to dig holes when I was a kid," Bruce shares. "I think all boys do."

"And some girls!" Valkyrie yells, from the next room.

Loki reaches for his own drink and takes a small sip.

"Well, Father was not impressed with our efforts," he confesses. "He called us idiots and told us to fill it back up again, straightaway."

Thor chuckles to himself.

"Which you whined about, like a little baby."

"I did not whine," Loki contradicts, sharply. He sets his glass back down on the table. "I was irritated that we'd wasted our efforts. We could have done all sorts of things with that hole. We could have trapped a wild animal with it or built an underground lair."

"You whined," Thor asserts, with amusement.

"And before we could even get started filling it back up again," Loki tells Bruce, "_he_ pushed me into the hole and I broke my arm."

Thor scoffs.

"I did not push you. You fell."

"I did not _fall_," Loki insists. "You pushed me. And what's more, you laughed while doing it."

"Now, why would I do that?"

"Uh...because you're a horrible person who takes delight in the suffering of others?"

"You're mistaken," Thor corrects. "You fell and I laughed _afterwards_...because it was funny."

Loki rolls his eyes.

"Well, what could possibly be more hilarious than me in excruciating pain?"

"And that was so long ago anyway," Thor claims. "I can't believe you're still going on about it."

"You brought it up," Loki points out.

"I did not," Thor returns.

"Yes, you did."

Thor reaches for his glass and drinks from it until it is empty.

"Either way...you are unbelievably petty," he accuses.

"How am I petty?"

Thor slams his glass back down on the table.

"You only ever remember the bad things. It is almost as though you want to be miserable."

"Are you saying we shouldn't remember bad things?" Bruce asks.

Thor eyes his friend.

"Siding with Loki now? I thought you hated him."

"Whoa...I don't _hate_ anybody."

Bruce glances at Loki and repeats himself, just in case there was any doubt. "I don't hate anybody."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway," Thor declares, haughtily. "You weren't there."

"I'm just saying," Bruce explains, "If I fell into a hole and broke my arm, I'd be pretty cheesed off if my brother laughed about it."

"What does cheese have to do with it?" Thor counters. "What is it with you people and cheese?"

"Uh, it's just an expression..."

"Do you have a brother?" Thor interrupts.

"What? No..."

"Then you don't really know what you would do in that situation. Do you?"

"Forget it," Loki says, tiredly. "Thor would sooner ride into battle, wearing his cousin's hideous frock than admit he was ever wrong about anything."

"Just what is it that you think I was _wrong_ about?" Thor queries, indignantly.

Loki ignores his brother's question.

"The joke was on him anyway," he tells Bruce. "I spent the rest of the day being pampered by the healers while he filled up the giant hole with dirt, all by himself."

"Because you whined, like a little baby."

"No...because you pushed me and broke my arm."

"Whatever you say...baby," Thor taunts.

Loki looks at Bruce and points at his brother.

"If there was a hole nearby right now, he would probably push me into it."

"Good thing we're in space, I guess," Bruce replies. He muses aloud, to himself. "Of course, we could always encounter a black hole. Couldn't really push someone into it though. You'd be more like...sucked."

Valkyrie, apparently having overheard the entire conversation, enters the room once more.

"If there was a hole nearby right now, I would push all three of you into it."

"Shouldn't you be passed out somewhere?" Loki counters, dryly.

Before he can stop her, she picks up his glass and takes a sip. She then extends her arm, offering it back to him.

"Oh," Loki says, holding up his hand, "it's yours now."

"I never had any siblings," she confesses. "You two should consider yourselves lucky."

Loki scowls.

"You do realize we are currently floating around in space, with a limited supply of food and water, because our older sister initiated the destruction of our home world."

She considers it a moment.

"I withdraw my sentiment. Better to be an only child."

Loki addresses his brother.

"You should tell them about the time you insisted that chickens could fly."

Thor groans

"No, I shouldn't."

Bruce's eyes go wide with alarm.

"Wait...what?"

Valkyrie grabs an empty chair and seats herself.

"Now _this_ I want to hear."

"No, you don't," Thor says.

"Chickens don't fly, though," Bruce comments. "Right?"

Thor frowns.

"Well, I know that _now_."

"Yes," Loki agrees. "You know that _now_. Tell everyone how you finally arrived at that conclusion."

"See," Thor growls, "_this_ is exactly what I'm talking about. It's like you only want to remember the bad things."

"One lovely morning," Loki begins, "we were playing in the garden and we saw some chickens..."

Thor mutters under his breath.

"Oh, here we go..."

"We were discussing said chickens, and at some point in our conversation Thor claimed that they could fly..."

"They _did_ fly," Thor insists. "I _saw_ them fly."

"Up to a fence post, which was maybe yea high…" Loki holds his hand up so that it is even with the top of his head.

Thor smacks the table.

"They used their wings to propel themselves upwards. Is that not flying?"

"Tell me," Loki demands, "all those times you up there, swinging your hammer around, soaring through the clouds...how many times did you pass a flock of chickens?"

"Wait," Valkyrie interjects, "I want to hear how he figured out that they _couldn't_ fly."

"Ask him," Loki suggests.

Thor folds his arms, defiantly.

Loki clears his throat.

"Well, our rooms were located on the third level of the palace. Which, as you might imagine, was a great distance from the ground."

Bruce covers his face with both hands.

"Oh _god_..."

"So, naturally," Loki concludes, "Thor carried a chicken up to our bedchamber and...tossed it out of the window."

Valkyrie lets out an involuntary cackle.

"Oh my...that is precious."

"And that's not even the best part of the story," Loki continues. "When confronted by our parents, he had the gall to insist that _I_ was responsible for his buffoonery."

"It wasn't buffoonery," Thor maintains. "And you _were_ responsible. You said if I was so certain that chickens could fly...I should prove it."

Loki glares at him.

"I can say, with great confidence, that I _never_ told you to throw a chicken out of a window."

"Doesn't matter," Thor points out. "You still got into trouble."

"Yes," Loki agrees, "I did...thanks to you."

"So...what happened to the chicken?" Bruce asks.

"Well," Loki offers, "seeing as it did not survive its rapid descent, we ate it for dinner that night."

"Oh_ god_," Bruce says again.

"And guess who had to pluck it?" Loki supplies, bitterly.

Valkyrie laughs. Thor is not nearly as amused.

"Do you have_ no_ fond memories of our time together?" he asks Loki.

Loki eyes his brother's wounded expression, briefly.

"Oh, I'm sure I do...buried somewhere beneath all the chicken carcasses..."

"It _was_ an accident, you know," Thor notes.

Now, Loki laughs.

"Tossing the chicken out the window? I suppose now you're going to say that you _dropped_ it. Which makes one wonder why you felt compelled to carry it up two flights of stairs before doing so..."

Thor looks down at the surface of the table.

"I meant pushing you into the hole."

Loki's lips part, and his mouth hangs open for several seconds.

"I'm sorry...what?"

"You heard me."

"It was an accident," Loki echoes, scornfully. "Well, then. That makes it alright. Oh wait...you still laughed at me, you _ass_."

Thor shrugs.

"When I saw you lying there, I got scared."

"Which you expressed with _laughter_."

"I laugh when I'm scared."

"Since when?"

"Since...forever."

Loki appears unconvinced.

"You've never been scared of anything in your entire life."

"It was a very deep hole," Thor recalls, sheepishly. "I could tell by the way that you landed that you were badly hurt."

"Fine," Loki concedes. He tosses his hand. "It was an accident...whatever."

"That's not fair," Thor says.

"How so?"

"You truly believe that I _pushed_ you on purpose..."

"Yes, I cleverly deduced it from how thoroughly amused you were to see me _writhing in pain_."

"Except that you weren't writhing in pain," Thor points out. "Not at first. At first, you didn't move at all. And I laughed because...I was terrified that I'd killed you."

Loki gapes at his brother, skeptically.

"You're lying."

"Do you really think that I would break your arm on purpose?"

"Do you _really_ want me to answer that honestly?"

Bruce exchanges an awkward glance with Valkyrie.

"Maybe we should leave," he whispers.

"No way," she hisses back. She polishes off the rest of the ale in Loki's glass. "This is just getting good."

"I remember things exactly as they happened," Loki announces, sharply. "Like that story about my turning into a snake and then stabbing you, for instance. Why don't you tell them the truth about _that_."

"Loki..." Thor warns.

"Tell them how your friends mocked my magic, and how you laughed right along with them. To my face, no less."

"You never could take a joke..."

"Not just once. But over and over. So, one day when I finally became fed up with your antics, I disguised myself as a snake so I could teach you a lesson."

"You are exaggerating," Thor returns, halfheartedly. "As usual."

"A well deserved lesson, if you ask me. And incredibly ironic, of course. Because I could probably stab you a thousand times and you would still never know..."

Loki stops talking, mid-sentence.

Thor raises his eyebrow, curiously.

"Never know what?"

"Nothing," Loki whispers. "Forget it."

Everyone grows quiet. A few minutes of silence pass. Bruce rises and leaves the room. Valkyrie follows shortly after.

Loki stares at the table.

"Do you know why I stabbed you that day?" he asks.

"You already said..."

"You excelled at everything. You were always bigger, stronger...faster. I wanted something that was mine, something I could be proud of. But when I shared it with you, you laughed in my face. Then you told your friends so they laugh too."

"We were just children..."

"You continued to mock my pursuits, well into our adult years."

"The things we said were said in jest..."

"Stop it!" Loki shouts, rising from his seat. He gestures, wildly. "Look around you. There is no more palace, no more throne. Asgard is gone. Mother and Father are gone. Even your friends are gone. There is no one left but you and I. For whom is this charade intended?"

Thor is taken aback by his brother's outburst. He folds his hands together and sets them on the table. He doesn't answer Loki's question.

"I don't want you to be miserable," he says, instead.

"Well, there's nothing you can do about it."

"Nothing?"

"I don't need your praise."

"But you must need something."

"I suppose there is something you can do."

"What?"

"If you haven't anything nice to say about me, just...don't speak of me at all."

Thor is surprised by this brother's request.

"Since when do you care what other people think of you?"

"I don't care what other people think of me. I care what comes out of your mouth."

Thor studies Loki, intently.

"I see," he replies, softly. "I shall have to mind my tongue, then."

Loki nods, curtly.

Thor rises from his seat.

"I'm going to hug you now."

"Thank you for the warning."

Loki takes a step backwards, as Thor approaches. He reluctantly allows the other man to embrace him. But when he shuts his eyes and scrunches up his face, Thor only squeezes him harder.

"You can let go, now," Loki wheezes. "You're crushing my lungs."

While Thor relaxes his grip, he takes his time letting go.

Once Loki is free of his brother's grasp, he makes his way around the table and heads for the door.

"I'm going to turn in."

"I should probably do the same," Thor concurs.

"Well...goodnight, then."

"Hey," Thor calls out.

"What?" Loki answers. He lingers in the doorway, though he doesn't turn around.

Thor sighs.

"You're not responsible for my buffoonery."

Loki smiles, before leaving the room.

"I know."


End file.
